Rows and rows of earrings; big ones, dangly ones, sparkly ones & simple studs adorned an entire white washed wall. Lina was reminded of why exactly she didn’t like going shopping with the girls very much. It wasn’t the wasted minutes pondering if the black heels will go better with skinny jeans or green Havanas (the latest must-have this season) that she minded, but it was the apologetic smile and walk home empty-handed that killed her.
“Not buying anything, babe?” enquired Suzy congenially, cocking her head to one side as she studied Lina.
Lina quickly fastened her lips into a smile and shook her head. The same old song and dance.
“You almost never buy anything ah,” commented Mattie idly while casting a critical eye over a pretty jade bracelet, as her long locks swept over her shoulder.
“Aiya, she’s probably saving up for something REALLY glam like a Gucci handbag or something. That’s what my sister’s friend did.” Suzy quickly intervened.
Lina mumbled something about waiting outside and quickly stepped beyond the harsh glare of the bright shop lights. Her beautiful eyes strayed to the clutch she held in her hand. She had scrimped months of pocket money and endured foodless days for that damn thing. It wasn’t an Autumn fad or the latest Harajuku trend. She had liked it, wholly.
It was a desperate seduction really. Calling out to her from every thread of its gold interwoven splendour on the shelf. She had money in her purse that fine Saturday, but only bought it three weeks later on a return trip to Orchard. She had contemplated, convinced herself out of buying it, appealed to her senses to own it and settled mind over heart before finally cajoling her conscience away. After all, she hadn’t bought anything over $6 in months.
She had grown used to it. It wasn’t a question between Fish & Co or the hawker centre. Not eating wasn’t simply to be thin but more like to save money. She rarely bought things as she could never be sure that there was enough cash and couldn’t bear to risk embarrassment. Retail therapy was never a solution to anything. Many a glass showcase had been fogged up by her misty breath and cute nose pressed against it. Her eyes took in details of fine embroidery and the latest technology to sustain her nagging dissatisfaction, borne out of the knowledge that she would never be able to own it. Not to say it was easy - it had been hard. Petulant pouts for new board shorts or pretty school bags never graced her lips the moment her family had become poor.
Poor. Sounds almost like a sin, mused her cramped toes. Poor was like, Shut-Up-And-Move-On. Doing well in school wasn’t an option. It was for scholarships and any form of bursary awards. Her brain didn’t delight in integration not revel in devouring new poems and texts. It became bland compulsions. Her heart wasn’t in what she did. She felt guilty eating sometimes. Guilty for expecting rewards. Who could bloody hell afford it anymore? There are poorer people in the world. Everything is a want, not a need. It boiled down to willpower, she silenced her desire.
Sometimes, sometimes, she got confused. Like when her father bought the gleaming new vehicle. The neighbourhood basked in its brand new license plate glory. SFK. New. New. Expensive. COE? Road tax. Petrol consumption lower was the argument against her tentative questioning. She found it hard to swallow. But she understood. Or at least tried to. Who was she to question anyway? Just a bloody sixteen year old. Don’t be so rude.
But she couldn’t help it, you know. The underlying tears every time she held back or resisted buying something. Changing handphones was not an option. She quietly missed calls without caller ID, suffered from lagging SMSes and took less than 1.2 megapixel pictures with the bloody thing. Technology is temporary, she told her bleeding eyes.
The stabbing pain in her heart was harder to ignore. It wasn’t so much of jealousy. Just sadness. She felt frustrated that she had grown to accept the lifestyle she had moulded herself into. Don’t buy anything. Look, Touch, don’t bring home. She lived stifled. Praying helped. Sometimes. She liked to believe that God could hear, and he would pour holy water over her heart and hold her through those bouts of desires.
She sighed heavily and rested her chin on her hand as she let her eyes stray over the millions of people who were cramming Far East Plaza that Saturday. Who knows, whispered her heart, beneath that Mango top perhaps there’s another just like me.
Were these years not supposed to be the best ones of her life?
She sat like Patience on a wall with a sad & secret smile, praying some day it'll be okay.
__SMILE (:
|11:04 PM|
dear diaree.
yo yo. prelim results are outz and 407 is teh sex! we have 22 single digit pointers. whee (: 406 improved loads and i knw other people did too. i'm really proud of us 407ners. i think we showed those people who kept looking down on us and comparing us with past batches and "oh 407 is crazy" or "oh 407 always skip skool, sure fail" or "oh 407 has no focus, no drive". HAH! especially thanks t mrs c and ms c man (: they're amazingggg! and i think mrs j & mrs l helped the sciences loads. and of course aunty t for all our a's! screams. hopefully it's t vj we will go & still be tgthr. i have toona! and nicolette. hahahs. & xd.
whee. how's life? enjoyed my ass off after prelims. now it's back t serious work. math math math. we're swimming in it. pools of dy/dx on kinematics floats. mann. i feel like writing but i can't, sigh. after exams nad. nyehhh. jianyangggg. come online. whines. CHUUU & GEGE. whee. hahahs. fadhly im gg t your alma mater. *crosses fingers. pak is da boy (:
class is semi-boring, sam is cranky (heh we all are) and we're kcians for officially less than a week more. sad, no?
won't go all sentimental at the moment. but yeah. st darling. (:
some pics from the 407 thing. as disbanded as we may seem - i think it's still somewhat four-oh-seven forever for all of us. (:
naddy.
__SMILE (:
|10:22 PM|
buried under sheens of dust `like winter nights need fire, like temples need a shrine, like lovers need desire, like prophets need a sign - i need him`
lie broken fragments of my past.
from yellow boots to stiletto heels
a timeline of what I feel.
candy coated recollections
of a teenager’s earnest affections
in the form of stuffed toy gifts
and stolen kisses in a lift.
cold bitterness that’s steeped in time
of moments that refused to rhyme
and acid truths too harsh to bear
in broken dreams of lover’s lairs.
warm sunshine smiles that I hold close
tears falling soft, off mother’s nose
of hair braided so lovingly
and playful hopscotch by the sea.
unknown night in town painted red
of immediate regret for what I said
a sacred sanction between friends
a trust that forever could never end.
conversations by the moon
endings that came all too soon
three way conferences which I held dear
till reality materialized crystal clear.
accidental attractions between a pair
on autumn days so sepia fair
a captured moment not meant to be
hopeful hearts of mashed uncertainty.
angsty writing crossed in ink
when alcohol was a common drink
flying so high only to fall
questions if I’ll ever have them all.
of salted tears on stained pillow case
a part of youth that went to waste
and turned now into adult’s prime
how fast thou art, sweet wretched time -
like shadows in the background
a history of soundless sounds
nothing can take away all of these
my best kept secrets;
in this walk-in closet of memories.
forbidden city is a pretty show.
bang, i got hurt yesterday.
cough & sneeze. it sucks being sick.
__SMILE (:
|2:50 PM|
grey familiarity of shirts
and black heavy metal.
marilyn manson promised
an untainted love.
eyelashes plant butterfly kisses
on bare skin;
she shivers in 34B cups.
almost regrets paint
stairwell walls.
the feeling of
hearing watches tick tock time
but not wanting to leave.
touch your swollen lips
and they tingle.
hearing muffled voices
from inside apartment units
and wondering if you'll
make it to be his lawfully wedded wife
and kids - 3 girls and 1 boy.
the boy won't be as wonderfully bad.
after some fourteen weeks;
her phonecall sobs keep you up at night.
up all night/
your toy tiger salted by her tears.
__SMILE (:
|2:22 PM|
dear diaree.
woohoos. mid way through prelims mannn. haha. screwy ah. oh well. i think our class is somewhat getting closer (: haha it's so fun to know that a few floors up or down in the library, i can find a familiar face and ask rena/ruth/dawn/gabby/sam a question if i panic and not know smth.
studied six chapters of bio in 3 hrs tday. ahh. please don't pour out of my ears.
then more chem with dewei (grumbles). saw vic and crystal studying. jaw drops. they're psychos! they're like reading REDSPOT and sec 4 assessment books. gosh. mad cows (:
OH OH! i bought a new ringgggg. haha. accessory woohoo. prettyful, prettyful.
i could give a play by play of the papers but that might jst be too depressing. ah well.
loves! naddy.
*snugguhpun pertalian antara anda dan saya telah dicairkan akibat air mata dan perasaan yang bercanggahan, malah, sebahagian hatiku masih tidak dapat lepaskan anda. maaf, bekas sayang, kalau perbuatan saya kini membuat anda keliru. selama setengah tahun, andalah segalanya. jadi sukar sekarang untuk melepaskanmu. say doakan persahabatan kami akan berjaya.
*yang kedua, oh bingungnya hatiku! hai, tidak dapatku menafikan bahawa anda sungguh manis kepada saya dan senyuman anda benar-benar membuat hatiku terlonjat. tetapi.. benakku belum sedia untuk merasai emosi sebegini sekarang, dengan kamu, ataupun sesiapa lagi. oh cara apakah yang patutku mengguna untuk membuka rahsia ini? ku bersyukur atas persahabatan mu.. malah ini terlalu cepat, terlalu sirius - dalam masa yang terlalu singkat.
the only lover's words i need to hear are those printed in twelfth night.
the only chemistry i need to feel, is that of acids bases and salts.
the only thing i need right now, is to accept this freedom, enjoy it, and take my time.
__SMILE (:
|10:04 PM|
dear diaree,
if i could, i would
for a moment lose the world to your eyes
and respond to your lips
with unabashed adoration.
if i could, i would
act on a moment's impulse
and react with wild abandonment
the same way you do for me.
if i could, i would
screw what's holding me back
and take a leap & fall.
cos i hate myself for the way
i make you feel -
i don't want to be leading you on, sir.
but the trouble is, i don't know exactly how i feel.
__SMILE (:
|10:59 PM|
dear diaree.
haha yesterday i received the most beyootifullestest moomoo in the world. he measures 43 cm tall and 71 cm long! giggles. his name is doofie. and the most amazing thing is that i never expected it and had half-heartedly accepted the fact that i will never get such luxuries. it was one thousand percent amazing and i am so sorry that i was in such a horrendous mood the night before.
you may laugh, but i love stuffed toys. whats more a moomoo.
dear lord thank you ever so much for blessing me with a newfound friend & joy! please, please keep me focused for the exams. i am ever so grateful, syukur alhamdulillah!
i miss the gang. shik, dewei and i were jst talking last night. it's been over a year and so many things have happened. it's kinda like FRIENDS. we met, some liked, some loved, some didn't, some lost. and now.. i don't know where the group of us stand. i remember last year we were always by the sides of those taking their o's. i'm not bitter or anything, it's jst tt some of us are taking our o's this year.. and that love isn't here. the saddest thing is, i think to some, da gang meant nothing at all, or perhaps little meaning. i guess we were never tight buddies as a whole, and i don't expect us to be, we're too large a group. but i do miss the mutual understanding there was and the knowledge that there's always one of da gang who will send you home/make use of your free incomnig/reply your sms/meet you if you're in a shit mood/wish you happy birthday.
life's like that isn't it? we love and lose. but i wish that we all (myself included) can find it in ourselves t be mature enough to be there for each other. some feelings are hard to erase, and they don't deserve to be. every second that has happened shouldn't be ignored or shoved relentlessly into some unforgiving cob-webbed corner, but instead polished and placed gently like a trophy. i was running through my inbox and laughing fondly at all the moments i've had. i'm really blessed. now if only all those people will still be friends...
shoutouts:
dewei - you know you're number one!
kurt - ahahahs. this feels good (: i had half less bed space but a lot more huggable material.
en qing - hahahs you're so dear thank you for letting me gush!
marco - hmms. yeah wells. you know we've been through a lot.
sharky - hahahs mann i know we'll be okay (:
rena - so how was sat! haha. dont become bimbo please. you know i love you, toona ass your l1r5 was amazing i have your report book. hugs
siantzu - giggles I FEEL A GOSSIP SESSION COMING ONNNNN.
retha - woooooman so how was your birthday?
ruth - AHAHAHS I GOT STORY! (: lit session coming soon.
nikhyboy - ahhh babe, i is missing you.
marcus - your jacket!
selvam - hahahs YOU ARE A SUPER DONG CANT WAIT FOR TUESDAY!
jas - smiles. i hope all is alright btwn us drama buddy. CANT WAIT FOR TUESDAY!
michelle - wow, we've really drifted havent we. ah wells. CANT WAIT FOR TUESDAY!
mwen - babyyyy i always see you my BOO. sniggers. PLEASE COME ON TUESDAY
shik - hey man. i know you're there for me. i is here for you too! CANT WAIT FOR TUESDAY!
dora - sugar sugar BAYBEH CANT WAIT FOR TUESDAY!
maomao - AHH I IS WANTING T HEAR A SONGGGG. SOMEONE TELL MAO BOUT TUES!
yings - hey you. i hope everythings okay in your world. PLEASE COME ON TUESDAY!
kylee - i wish you all the best whatever you decide. PLEASE COME ON TUESDAY!
naddy
~it has been so long since we have talked
i hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cos what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep them in your heart for always
you made me believe
that i could do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything
i'll remember you.
__SMILE (:
|12:49 PM|